Thoughts on Dating

Chapter 31
“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” 2 Cor. 6:14

When Should I Start Thinking About Dating?

You should start thinking about dating long before you are old enough to date. Young people need to be smart and prepared for the dating world and know ahead of time exactly what they want so they won’t be swept up in a moment of weakness or emotional turmoil and get embroiled in a relationship that will wreak havoc on the rest of their lives. 

What kind of person do I want to date? 

If you are a Christian, your number one priority should be someone who loves God more than he/she loves you! Yes, you heard me right. Everybody wants to be adored and significant, but if you depend on people for your significance, you will end up miserable. Beware the person who constantly praises you, needs you, wants you, but never mentions his/her relationship with the Lord. 

The person you date should have all the characteristics of someone you would marry, so let’s talk about that. It is a dangerous thing to date someone you would never marry, because things can happen and emotions can take over when you least expect it, and the next thing you know, you are married to someone who will wreck your life. Or you will wreck his.

Assuming the person you are dating loves God, he/she should be known for kindness and respect. How does he treat you? How does she treat your friends and family? How does he treat children? What kinds of things does she say about other people? How does he treat animals? You may think that is a funny thing to say, but how people treat animals shows a lot about their inner workings. 

What about self-control? How does he drive—any evidence of road rage? What makes him angry? Is she a gossip? Most young people never think about these things. Character matters far more than how someone looks or how attracted you are to them. Attractive people can be dangerous. 

What are some red flags that would warn me about potential dangers in a relationship?

1. If the person you are dating is critical of any of your family or friends, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Here are some things to ask yourself: Is he/she a jealous person? Does he try to control you? Does she resent time you spend with family or with other friends? Does he make snide comments about people you love? If so, run as fast as you can. You may be flattered by that kind of jealous attention, but people who are like that will most certainly turn out to be abusive in the long haul. They may separate you from family and friends and prevent you from participating in activities with other people. A life of isolation is no fun at all. 
2. Does the person you are dating respect your boundaries? If he/she is constantly trying to get you to do things you know are wrong, get out of that relationship. A person who loves God more than you will not ask you to do things that are not right.
3. What are you like when you are with your date? What kind of traits does he bring out in you? Are you at your best or do you tend to be rebellious, or disobedient or acting out in other ways? Are you happy with yourself after spending time with this person or do you feel disappointed in yourself? 
4. Does the person you are dating encourage you in your walk with the Lord or is he only concerned about pleasing himself/herself? 
5. How does the person you are dating handle anger? Does he lose his temper, berate you, use foul language, hit you, or threaten you in any way? GET. OUT. NOW! Sometimes people who do these things will come back and apologize profusely, or they will tell you they didn’t mean it and they will comfort you in a number of ways—maybe buy you flowers or other gifts, but PLEASE DO NOT FALL FOR THAT. If you do, you will live on an emotional roller coaster for a very long time. Lack of self-control is typical of abusers. And it will only get worse. If you say you are leaving, this person will typically make you feel guilty for not “forgiving” him. This is just one more way to control you. You can forgive him but you do not ever have to  see him again. Ever. You are just going to have to trust me on this. LEAVE AND DON’T LOOK BACK. Everybody gets angry from time to time, but abusing another person verbally or emotionally or physically is never acceptable. 
6. You may not like this one: What do your parents, siblings, and friends think of the person you are dating? What kind of feedback are you getting from other people who know you well? Are any of them giving you any kind of warnings? What about other people in your church? Your pastor? That is not to say that other people are always right—but if a number of people are giving you warnings, you should take heed. Sometimes they see things you do not see. Sometimes it just takes time for others to really get to know the person. Give them that time. Don’t run off and get married in a pout. Why hurt the people who love you just so you can have your way?  If God is really in this, then wait for his timing. You will know the timing is right when those who love you can rejoice in your choice and give you their blessing. 

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If God Loves Me, Why Do I Have So Much Suffering in My Life?

Chapter 30
"Dear Friends, don't be surprised when the fiery ordeal comes among you to test you as if something unusual were happening to you. Instead, rejoice as you share in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may also rejoice with great joy when his glory is revealed." I Peter 4:12-13

If we love someone, the last thing we want to do is cause them pain. In fact, we will go out of our way to keep our loved ones from pain. So if God is loving and all-powerful, why does He let us suffer? 

The truth is, God not only allows suffering, he sends it our way for a lot of reasons.

I know you are not going to want to hear this, but I have to say it because it is true. God uses suffering in our lives to shape our character. He wants us to be the kind of people who can comfort others in their distress, and if we never suffered ourselves, we would not understand the suffering of others. How could a mother comfort her child if she had never suffered herself? The suffering that you experience today may help you ease the suffering of a loved one some day.

God also uses suffering as a test. Remember Job? Satan told God that the only reason Job was so faithful was because he had it so good. Satan was convinced that if Job suffered, he would turn away from God. But God proved him wrong by letting Job suffer unbelievable things. Imagine losing ten people in your family all at once. No chance to say good-bye or get one last hug. I know what that is like. And then add losing all your stuff. And add to that getting really really sick. And what did Job say? He said, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him!”

God uses suffering to draw us closer to Him. When everything is going perfect for us, we forget how much we need God. But when we suffer, we are on our knees asking Him for His help to get through it. These past few years, we have known more suffering than ever before. We have lost several family members and have suffered from major health issues. Thanksgivings and Christmases without family are like just another day on the calendar.  It has been the saddest time of our lives—and still is. But God uses our sorrow and grief to draw us close to Him. He sent us many people to take care of us and to love us. And now we also look for people to take in so we can comfort them. 

Even though God sends suffering our way, he never leaves us or forsakes us. Did you know that God is using the suffering in your life to make you capable of experiencing tremendous amounts of joy in heaven? Suffering exercises your soul, and makes it capable of carrying a great amount of weight. The Bible calls it “the weight of glory.” I read something recently by John Piper—a very famous pastor—about suffering. Maybe this will make you feel better about your own suffering: 

Not only is all your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there. But all of it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.

I don’t care if it was cancer or criticism. I don’t care if it was slander or sickness. It wasn’t meaningless. It’s doing something! It’s not meaningless. Of course you can’t see what it’s doing. Don’t look to what is seen.

When your mom dies, when your kid dies, when you’ve got cancer at 40, when a car careens into the sidewalk and takes her out, don’t say, “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory.

Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.

So you see—every single millisecond of your suffering is being used by God so you can handle the extreme joy of the life to come. How you respond to your suffering is really important. Don’t try to avoid it or minimize it by using drugs or drinking alcohol or cutting on yourself or running away or thinking about suicide. Just let the suffering do its work. Now that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take an aspirin if you have a headache or that you shouldn’t take pain medications if you are in physical pain. We have to use common sense here. Don’t run away from God, and don’t get angry and take it out on everyone around you. Go to your Bible and keep reading until you feel God’s comfort. Cry your eyes out every day for as long as it takes—and it may take years. But when you finish crying, get up and wash your face and use your pain to help others.

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